Dug Fun Volume 05

Being a part of a Collection, started Sept 1996, of
Jokes, Stories, Quotes, Press Reports, Rhymes, etc.
that amused me -
The material is reasonably clean and non-sick (I'm sure most schoolchildren know far worse).
The items come from all over, though a major source has been the jokes conference on the CIX system.

See also
Introduction - Intro to these volumes of Funnies
Main Page - Index page for the owner of this set.

You know you've been a consultant too long when...

1. You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are
2. You decide to re-org your family into a "team based organisation"
3. You refer to dating as test marketing
4. You can spell "Paradigm"
5. You actually know what a paradigm is
6. You understand your airline's fare structure
7. You write executive summaries on your love letters
8. You actually believe it's more efficient to write a ten page paper with six other people you don't know
9. You believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and "improvement opportunities"
10. You know every single piece of clip-art in PowerPoint
11. You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt"
12. You ask your bank manager if she has heard of "Modigliani-Miller" and then you ask her if she has a pizze so you can show her
13. You can explain to someone the difference between "re-engineering", "down-sizing", "right-sizing" and "firing people's asses."
14. You actually believe in number 13.
15. You start doing your kid's maths problems in reverse Polish notation

THE CRUSH OF PAPERWORK: >

A man apparently trying to steal a 600-pound safe from a Huntington, N.Y. insurance office was found crushed to death underneath it at the base of a flight of stairs. Inside the safe: insurance forms. (AP)

V.V.V.

v.v. velodrome I came, I saw, I cycled around and around until I got tired
or
v.v. vacillate I came, I saw, I'm not too sure what to do next
or
v.v.veterinary. I came, I saw. I had my cat neutered.
or
v.v. vaccine I came I saw, I had to be inoculated
or
v.v. vanity I came, I saw, I really looked good....
or
Vwni, vidi, um... I came, I saw, I failed Latin O level?
or
v.v. vesuvius I came, I saw, it wasn't half hot....
or
vuffee, vuffee, vuffee I came, I saw, I can't seem to get rid of this bloody great toffee
or
v. v. vanilla I came, I saw, I scream(ed)
or
v.v.vat I came, I saw, I taxed
V,V, Valdidatorian I came, I saw, I know big words....

GOLF:

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain".
"Please allow me to help, I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!", she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She began to massage his groin.
After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better?" The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good...but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

MICROSHAFT:

One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again.
He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

SKELETON:

Did you hear about the skeleton who walked into the bar?
..............he asked for a beer and a mop.

THE CARELESS PIRATE:

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said,
"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean? I'm fine."
"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you had both hands."
"We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," said the bartender, "what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!"
"Well, I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

SEX

This couple goes to the doctor's office and states that they are having trouble having sex. Well the doctor brings them into his office and watchs them. Everything goes great and the doctor says that he doesn't think they have a problem.
Two weeks go by and the couple calls the doctor with the same problem. Once again the doc sets up an appointment in his office and watch them go at it. Once again everything goes well. And the doctor sends them home.
This continues for several months before the doctor finally confronts them and states " You have been coming to my office for several months now with the same problem, however, when I watch you perform sex, it does not appear that either one of you is having difficulties performing. Please tell me why you think that you can perform well in my office but not at home."
The gentleman states " Well, I cannot do it at my house because my wife will find out and her husband will find out if we do it at her house. Plus hotels are very expensive to do it in. So that is where our difficulties, we don't have a place to do it in. So we are seeing you. Plus you accept health insurance so it doesn't cost us"

Why did god create Man first?
..............To give him a chance to speak

V.V.V. again

V. V. V I came, I saw, I scored five
or
v.v. verey I came, I saw a flare-up...
or
v.v.vladivostok I came, I saw, I just realised I'm in the wrong country
or
v.v. Verona I came, I saw, two men seemed to have gotten there before me....
or
v.v.vodka I came, I saw, I got drunk
or
v.v.vroom I came, I saw, I got run over
Or
v.v.VisiCalc. I came, I saw, I've got this really old spreadsheet.
or
v v vasectomy I came, I saw, I never came again
or
v.v.vegetate I came, I saw, I didn't do much else

Cape Times, 13/6/96, "Cleaner Polishes Off Patients"

"For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a dead patient in the same bed every Friday morning," a spokeswoman for the Pelonomi Hospital (Free State, RSA) told reporters.
"There was no apparent cause for any of the deaths, and extensive checks on the air conditioning system, and a search for possible bacterial infection, failed to reveal any clues."
"However, further inquiries have now revealed the cause of these deaths. It seems that every Friday morning a cleaner would enter the ward, remove the plug that powered the patient's life support system, plug her floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go about her business. When she had finished her chores, she would plug the life support machine back in and leave, unaware that the patient was now dead. She could not, after all, hear the screams and eventual death rattle over the whirring of her polisher.
"We are very sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner in question. Furthermore, the Free State Health and Welfare Department is arranging for an electrician to fit an extra socket, so there should be no repetition of this incident. The enquiry is now closed."

Foggy Night

The fog was swirling over the great River Thames as a young tramp settled himself on the embankment for the night. Suddenly he was roused by a gentle voice and, looking up he saw a beautiful lady alighting from her chauffeur-driven Limousine. "My poor man," she said, "you must be terribly cold and wet. Let me drive you to my home and put you up for the night."
Of course, the tramp didn't refuse this invitation and climbed into the car beside her.
After a short drive the car stopped before a large Belgravia Mansion and the lady stepped out, beckoning the tramp to follow her. The door was opened by the butler, into whose charge the lady gave the tramp, with instructions that he should be given a meal, a bath and a comfortable bed in the guest's room.
Some while later, as the lady was preparing to retire, it occurred to her that her guest might be in need of something, so slipping on her negligee, she hurried to the guest room and saw a chink of light from under the door,indicating that the young man was awake.
Knocking softly on the door, she entered the room and enquired of the youngman why he was not sleeping.
"Surely you're not hungry?"
"Oh no, your butler fed me royally."
"Then perhaps your bed is not comfortable?"
"But it is soft and warm."
"Then you must need company. Move over a little....."
The young man, overjoyed, moved over....
And he fell into the river.......

On the other hand....

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

What's the difference between a man and a lawnmower?
Lawnmowers don't bitch after they cut the grass.

How do you keep a man from raping you?
Throw him the remote control.

What's a man's idea of a romantic evening?
A candlelit football stadium.

What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
A sex-change operation.

Why do men talk so dirty?
So they can wash their mouth out with beer.

Why did God create man?
She didn't. Her husband did.

How do you confuse a man?
Tell him to start a knock-knock joke.

Why do men do odd jobs around the house?
If they do, it's odd!

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

Odd Jobs

"Yes, I think I might find a few odd jobs to do," the housewife told the tramp. "Have you ever been offered work before?"
"Only once, Madam," he responded. "And aside from that I've met with nothing but kindness."

Local Pub

The local pub was so sure that its barman was the strongest man around that they offered a standing Ł1000 bet.
The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, dockers, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet"
After the laughter had died down, the barman said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the barman paid the ú1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The man replied "I work for the Inland Revenue."

V.V.V.....

Veni, Vedi, Velcro .......
I came, I saw, I stuck around.......

How about v. v. volvo
I came, I saw, I had my sidelights on....

And, of course, v.v. vic
I came, I saw, I had this chest complaint

Then there's V,V, VD.....
I came, I saw, I got a rash.......

Help (the names haven't been changed !)

Two hunters were out stalking deer one day. They were so intent on following a large stag that before they realised it, they were hopelessly lost in a dense forest.
Finding their way to a small clearing in the trees, they sat down to pondertheir plight.
"What are we gonna do", said Doug to Chuck (as all people who engage in the manly pursuit of hunting are called Doug or Chuck).
"I've got an idea", said Chuck. "Why don't we fire in the air to attract attention like they do in the movies".
"Good thinking", said Doug.
So they both took aim at a passing cloud and let fly and then sat down to wait for help to arrive.
One hour later, nobody had arrived, and thinking that the search party might be nearby, they again fired skywards.
Another hour passed and still help had not arrived.
"We'd better shoot again", said Doug, so they did.
"I hope they arrive soon", said Chuck, "'cause they were our last two arrows".

Problems

One of those wonderful (computer) people was drafted into the army and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again.
He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the triggerwith his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

Frogs

It seems there were two frogs sitting on a lily pad when all of a sudden, a fly came along. One frog put out his tongue, ate the fly, and started laughing hysterically. Soon the other frog joined in the laughter.
Later in the day, the other frog ate a fly and the two frogs burst out in laughter. As time went on, the frogs enjoyed the flies so much that the sight of a fly would cause them to double up with pleasure. But of course, the most pleasure came when the fly was actually eaten.
A third frog hopped up to the first two and asked what was so funny. The first frog answered "Time." "Huh?" asked the third frog.
The second frog exlained: "Time's fun when you're having flies."

Eskimo Girl

Did you hear about the Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and next morning found she was six months pregnant.

Q.& A.

Q. How does a blind parachutist know when it's time to land? A. His dog's lead goes limp..........

Pub Story...

A man walks into a pub, strolls up to the bar and puts down this large cardboard box that he has been carrying under his arm. As he orders a pint of Guiness, the landlord asks him what's in the box. The man opens the top of it, revealing a miniature scale replica of a Grand Piano with a tiny stool in front of it, on which is perched a dwarf, no more than a foot tall, playing Beethoven's Fifth.
"That's amazing" says the landlord, "Is it a model ?"
"No, he's real" replies the man, and proves his point by reaching into the box and tapping the little fellow on the shoulder. The dwarf looks up momentarily, squeeks "Hello" and waves then goes back to his music.
"Incredible !" says the landlord, "Where did you get it ?"
"Well," replies the man, "it's a long story. A couple of years ago I went on a business trip to Ireland. One night there was a terrible storm, and as I was driving back across the countryside I noticed this small figure in green trudging along the side of the road, so I pulled over and offered him a lift.
He got in, and away we went. After a couple of minutes, I turned to him and asked "Here, you're a leprechaun aren't you?".
"Why, yes" he replied, "We don't show ourselves to the big folks very much, but as you've been so kind in giving me a ride home, I'm going to grant you a wish."
And so he did." The man stops, and takes a long draw on his pint.
"So, what did you ask for ?" enquires the landlord.
"Well, I'm afraid the old chap must have been a little hard of hearing" says the man, "He gave me a 12 inch pianist".

Dinner....

A man walks into a Chinese restaurant and orders Roast Chicken Chinese Style. The meal is delivered and he starts eating. After several minutes of chewing the same piece of chicken he pulls it out and has a look at it. It's all stringy and he calls the manager over.
Customer: This chicken's rubbery!
Manager: Oh Thank you velly much sir!!!

Groan

Once there was a scientist who finally perfected the cloning process. His ultimate achievement was a perfect clone of himself. The media came to inter- view him and to see this clone.
While the scientist was being interviewed, the clone sat in the corner..... all the while, he kept muttering obscenities, cussing......it was enough to embarrass a sailor. The scientist kept telling him to be quiet....hoping the reporters would not notice the filth coming out of the clone's mouth. But all his pleas did no good. The clone kept on with his filthy language and got ]louder and louder as time went on. The scientist was both embarrassed and angry at the same time.
Finally, he could take it no more. He rushed over, picked up his clone, and threw him from the window!
They arrested him, you know----for making an obscene clone fall.

Q.& A.

Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an an agnostic and a dyslexic?
A: Someone who lies awake in bed all night wondering if there really is a dog.

Q.& A.

Q. Why did the Irishman keep an empty milk bottle in his fridge?
A. In case anyone asked for black coffee.

================================

See also
Introduction - Intro to these volumes of Funnies
Main Page - Index page for the owner of this set.

Comments, queries and messages to: dougglading@cix.co.uk